


ᨳ᭬ down by the river ˛֨᨞ ࿔.

by sister_mismagius



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: ( It's barely even there! ), Accidental Eating Disorders, Anxiety, Bottom Park Seonghwa, Consensual Underage Sex, Depression, Drug Use, Highschool AU, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Minor Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taemin, No beta we die like wwx, Panic Attacks, Park Seonghwa-centric, Please tell me if I forget to tag anything!, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:14:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24516739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sister_mismagius/pseuds/sister_mismagius
Summary: The river they say has a bunch of bodies dumped at the bottom, most drowned themselves, committed suicide because they became to hate themselves more than they hated the solitude.Golden boy Seonghwa is the whore and drug addict of his whole highschool. He visits the riverside every day, staring longingly at the water, fingers grazing over his reflection. Who knows, maybe his body will soon make his way to the very bottom like the rest.
Relationships: Choi Jongho/Kang Yeosang, Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Jeong Yunho/Song Mingi, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taemin, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 30
Kudos: 117





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Million Reasons](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23525017) by [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account). 



> please read the tags ! they are vital !! they have all the trigger warnings since this fic will be really triggering !!
> 
> i was inspired by an AMAZING author to make this,t heir fanfiction is linked so PLEASE CHECK IT OUT !! anyways !! please gib me your reviews for this !! i'd appreciate it !!

_“Did you hear? Seonghwa! The top of the class! He’s a secret_ **_drug addict_ ** _!”_

_“..Him? I always knew he was weird! He’s also_ **_sleeping_ ** _with the football team.”_

_“The whole football team?”_

_“Mhm. There’s a video. No one knows who filmed it. So he can’t sue.”_

_“What a slut.. Oh well, he got what he asked for I guess.”_

The whispers continue as Seonghwa, the ‘School’s disappointment,’ walks throughout the halls, and passes by all the lockers. He pretends he can’t see the looks of disapproval as he walks by, it doesn’t matter, it’ll all pass, give it a few days.

He opens his locker.

He really wishes he wasn’t bothered by the few notes he sees inside. He just sighs, and collects them, and adds them to the neat pile in the corner of his locker, the top shelf. He’s not a slob, he knows that, they know that, so the least he can do is live up to the ‘Clean Whore,’ name.

He’s so clean, yet he feels so dirty.

Bugs.

He can feel them crawl up and down his skin. On his legs, arms, neck, and even on the inside. He can feel the hands wrapping around his neck, and temporarily cut off his air supply, and he can hear the voice of one of the men he slept with a few nights before in the locker room, after the game.

_“Scream for me Seonghwa, you have a beautiful voice baby.”_

The sex was consensual, it always was so he didn’t quite understand why he was feeling so hurt, and so conflicted. He’s victimizing himself, that’s the only answer, he wants this, but he just wants to whine and cry about something.

His hands are shaking, and his vision blurs. 

Why can’t he see? Why won’t he see? He’s wearing his glasses, he should be able to see. He can’t afford a doctor’s appointment, and he knows his parents won’t, they’re going through a divorce, he doesn’t want to add to the extra stress, he’ll just wing it like he does all his health issues.

He slowly takes his books out of his locker, and suddenly it feels like they gained a few pounds. Seonghwa is amazed to know that he’s grown weaker, but honestly he isn’t surprised.

He has his biology textbook and Chromebook in his hands, as he slowly shuts his locker. His movements are slow as always, nothing new, and nothing old. 

He is a minute late to class already, and that quickens his pace, but he still seems like he’s dragging a little too much, though the pot smokers in the bathrooms barely even spare him a glance, too high to care. He’s grateful for that, at least some people are forgiving and kind.

Shaking off his gratitude, he’s met with an angry teacher standing outside her door. He’s five minutes late, and yeehaw, she doesn’t look very excited. 

“Where have you been?” The middle-age woman spat with a flare-up tone. She looked down at him as if he was inferior to her, and Seonghwa just looked down at his shoes, because he was inferior, he wasn’t human, he was imperfect.

“Getting my books, miss.” His voice is hoarse and scratchy, sounds as if he hasn’t seen water in months, but obviously that’s a lie, who knew how his voice got so disgusting, he was probably making another victimizing fuss over his problems.

She doesn’t say a word, but she does step aside for him to walk in, and he takes that as his entry, and walks in slowly as always, stalking over to his vacant seat in the third row. He sits down and places his books on the desk, slow as ever, and looks blankly ahead.

He sees a note on his desk, he stares down at it, removing his gaze from the whiteboard.

_‘Meet me at the party at 9 pm, I miss you.’ -- Danny._

His stomach churns, and he feels as if he’s going to puke.

He doesn’t miss him.

He wants to stop.

Deep down he knows he can’t, so he doesn’t, and instead he looks behind him, and locks gazes, and nods simply.

Just one more time, then he’ll stop.

He knows that’s a lie, he isn’t stopping, he can’t.

_“Ding! Ding! Ding!”_

Ah, the bell, he’s so thankful that it exists, he started to feel clammy, and sick, he didn’t want to puke back there. 

It’s his lunch hour so he strays to the lunchroom slowly, people pushing past him, some even touch his lower regions, but he never stops anyone who does, he’s too exhausted.

He enters the cafeteria, and sits down. He has a soda, but that’s it, he feels too nauseous to eat anything solid.

“You ask!”

“Do I really?”

“Yeah, I don’t want to!”

“Ugh, _fine_ , next time it’s all you Woo.”

Seonghwa knows there is somebody there, but he doesn’t make a move, his breathing quickens, and his vision blurs again. He knows he probably sat in their usual seat, if he did, he’ll move, he doesn’t want to cause trouble.

“Hey! Seonghwa, right?” The man’s voice seems kind of nervous, he doesn’t mind it, anyone would be nervous when talking to the whore of the school. What a lowlife he became.

He answers his question with a simple nod, eyes staring into his soda bottle, staring at his reflection, and all he could see was pure disappointment, and a face full of make-up to hide all the disgusting bags, and reddish pink tear marks.

“We usually sit here, and we were wondering-” The man is cut off by Seonghwa standing up, and bowing his head, gripping onto the bottle tightly, his knuckles turning white. He feels like a disappointment.

“Sorry.” His voice cracks, he wonders if they’ll spread rumors about him almost breaking down like a wuss. He slowly walks away, walking into the dark, and dingey bathroom within the cafeteria. He goes to the farthest wall and leans against it, slowly sinking down, and hugging his knees.

Half of him wants to be alone, but half of him craves some kind of social interaction, half of him is praying that one of the two guys that kicked him out will come in and tell him "it’s okay," or something. Anything.

He knows no one will come so he brushes it off.

  
He’s not worth their time, they probably have enough problems in their life, they don’t need an additional one.

He just sits there. Waiting.

Some pathetic sounds leave his pathetic form. What are they? Crying? Moans of pain? He doesn’t know, but he does know that they sound hideous, and are causing him troubles of breathing.

Why can’t he breathe? Is he dying?

He can’t tell. Though, it all goes by so quick where he feels free and can suddenly breathe again. He’s content for the moment, but only a few seconds, before the guilt crowds over him again.

He didn’t do anything, so he doesn’t know why exactly he feels guilty.

He just feels this storm cloud following him everywhere, making him feel bad and guilty.

He just wants a needle, or to snort something up his nostrils.

He wants to have sex.

He just wants something to _numb_ the unbearable burden.

Seonghwa knows life isn’t that easy, so his dreams, and pleas will never be fulfilled. He’ll suffer, and he’ll suffer in silence.

He slowly rises up from the floor, leaning against the wall for support. He slowly walks out of the bathroom, and he already can tell that he looks like an absolute mess. There’s people looking at him with an odd look.

The bell goes off, and Seonghwa knows what he has next. Gym. He honestly despises that subject. He’s not athletic one bit. He’s a twink, plus he barely eats so his bones are flimsy, easy to break. Some of his classmates could snap him in two if they desired to.

Seonghwa is early, but just by a bit. He sees somebody who’s talking to a friend he guesses, he had seen him at lunch, he looks down. He remembers making a fool of himself, he feels terrible, disgusting. 

Deep in thought, he wonders if he could count his ribs. He couldn’t tell, but it was a thought. If he could, then well, that just proved how disappointing he is in his own eyes. He can only count two last time he checked, but it wasn’t intentional.

He was content with his weight. He didn’t want to lose any more pounds. He liked his weight, he used to look more appetizing, but yet here he was slowly destroying his own body. When the teacher walks in, he stares up at the man who constructs them to do some laps.

Seonghwa doesn’t run, he walks.

He hears chuckles from behind him, they aren’t unheard, but they are ignored. He is hollered at by the teacher, but he doesn’t listen, he walks three laps, slowly but surely, at his own pace, instead of running eight. He’s exhausted.

“Partner up!” The man hollers, everyone scurries to partner up.

They pick partners, Seonghwa is partnered up with the guy from the lunchroom, Seonghwa just stares blankly into his eyes.

“I’m San! Hey! Sorry about what happened! You looked upset! I was going to say you could sit with me and Woo, but you left- Hey, are you okay? You look like shit.” San bites his lip, looking at him with an odd look. That boosts Seonghwa’s confidence up, he’s happy he looks like a broken down whore.

“Park Seonghwa, thank you, I love your compliment.” Seonghwa just sighs, maybe he said that a little too coldly than intended, hands shaking, legs wobbly.

“Sorry that was a little rude-” 

“It’s okay, I get that frequently.”

That leaves San silent in shock, not saying a word as Seonghwa moves away, before turning around to face him.

“Now, who’s going first San, you or me? Come on, we’re partners, and if we ever want to leave this smelly hell hole then you better get down.” Seonghwa is demanding, his hair falling over his eyes. San just chuckles, getting down and looking up at him.

“Alright then, Hwa! You count for me! I gotta do fifty of these!” San’s enthusiasm causes Seonghwa to roll his eyes, causing the man to sigh again.

  
“Whatever you say, just get down.”

.❀.𖧧.❀.

After their excruciating amount of push-ups they line up in the dodge ball line, and thankfully they are put on the same team. San walks over to Seonghwa and pats his back.

“Hey! Teammate!” He chirps, Seonghwa recoils away, pushing him back a bit.

“Hwa? Are you okay?” Seonghwa wants to shake his head, but he ends up nodding, picking at the skin on his thumbs.

“I’m alright, just startled..” He trails off when he hears the whistle, and a ball is thrown at his gut, making him double over. If this day could get any worse, he’d be surprised. Though, something else scares him.

White. Black. Grey. White. Black. Grey.

He starts feeling clammy, and his vision blurs.

He’s done feeling this way, he begs himself to calm down, and to make it stop. He’ll ask for his mom to take him for a physical.

Looks like his prayers are answered, and he walks towards the bleachers slowly, getting hit by a few balls as he walks, one hitting him in the ribs. He is embarrassed to say he actually winced. Must’ve been one of the ribs that were sticking out.

He sits down on the bleachers, and soon he seen San who sits down next to him. Half of him that was craving human interaction, and craving a friend was happy, delighted even. The other half wanted to be in solitude, alone.

He could never be happy could he?

“Are you really okay, Hwa?” San whispers, he actually sounds worried, but Seonghwa brushes it off. It has to be fake, no one cares this quickly.

So, Seonghwa just nods. “I’m peachy.”

San wants to push, he knows that’s sarcasm, but he has nothing to say, and moves away, and sits next to someone else.

Seonghwa just laughs coldly.

He feels more alone than ever.

_‘It’s okay.’_ He tells himself. _‘It’ll all be over soon.’_

He’s happy when they are dismissed to the locker rooms. He walks in, undresses, and showers, getting the sweat stench off himself, before drying off, and throwing his clothes back on.

He ignored the icy stares as he leaves, and the lustful ones, but most of all he ignores the one concerned glance he got from San.

It’s better if he stays away anyways, it’s for his own safety after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, welcome back my lovely gems! This chapter came super late, a few days later than usual, and I'm sorry! I was under a lot of pressure, and was going through dozens of family problems, the riots were stressing me out, and the corona cases were I live have spiked up again! 900 more cases were I live, right when we popped into the green so I have been extremely stressed out you could say!
> 
> Though, I am back, and with a longer chapter, since the first chapter was short 2,000 words! I kinda hated it! So, I came back with something much more appeasing to me at least! Warnings will be at the end of this note, since this chapter can be triggering!
> 
> I also have another fanfiction, it is called " ˚ ༘𖧧·˚ ̼〝 lock and key ! 〞❀ ࿔. ," so you guys should check it out! It's a Mo Dao Zu Shi/The Untamed work that I have been wanting to do since forever, and it doesn't have much attention, so check it out if you'd like!
> 
> Finally, warnings, please check this out! This chapter is triggering!: Panic Attacks, fights, character death (In the past!), Divorce, Child Abuse? (It could be taken as child abuse! But it's mild, nothing physical!), Slight Self-Harm, Drugs, Hickeys, Smoking, Mentions of underage, Suicidal Thoughts (Only one sentence though), Mentions of a Divorce, and that's it! Most of these trigger warnings are in the beginning part of the chapter, since it is kind of explaining why Seonghwa is like this, but it's vague! Will explain more in further chapters!
> 
> Please enjoy and remember to leave a review, and kudos!

Loneliness.

A feeling that Seonghwa grew accustomed to in such a short period of time. He’s not complaining though, he would never complain. It could be worse. He could be surrounded by a bunch of fakes, slowly destroying his mind.

Sometimes he wished he was with fakes, and sometimes he enjoyed the solitude, but most of all he craved for some kind of real friend. Just one. That’s all he needed. He could live with one friend, and only one.

Seonghwa would grow jealous staring at close friends.

Friends always had a shoulder to cry on, they always had each other smiling, and they stood up for each other. 

Seonghwa can’t remember when was the last time someone stood up for him. Maybe a year ago? Before senior year started. He had many friends. He was friends with a kid named Junhee, he missed the man.

Junhee got into a car accident last year, and died from the impact.

Donghun, Junhee’s boyfriend was heartbroken. He cried for days. He wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t talk, and wouldn’t sleep. His grades slipped, Seonghwa remembered tutoring him.

Neither of them would speak, just enjoy each other’s presence. Sometimes Seonghwa would just hold Donghun in his arms as he cried silently. Neither of them would say a word, enjoying the silence, and listening to each other’s breathing.

Of course, Seonghwa caught feelings for him after a long period of time, but he never bothered to make a move. He couldn’t do that to him. He wasn’t ready. His boyfriend, Junhee had _died_. Confessing to him would be like a kick to the shin, and a mockery of Junhee’s death definitely.

He told one person, and that was his friend, Yuchan. He was also friends with Junhee, they were in a group, it was him, Junhee, Donghun, Yuchan, Taemin, and Jaehyun.

If Seonghwa could, he’d reach out to them, clutch their hands, and never let go. He would hold onto Junhee’s delicate hands, suck in a deep breath, and pull him back to the world of the living. He’d wrap his arms around him, bury his face into his neck, and tell him all of his problems. He would protect Junhee with everything he had, he wouldn’t let anyone lay a hand on Junhee, he would keep him safe.

He would pull together their old friend group, Junhee back to being in the middle, Donghun openly grumbling sometimes, but holding Junhee on his lap, Taemin scrunching up his nose and getting under Donghun’s skin, Jaehyun preventing Donghun from strangling Taemin, and Yuchan making everyone friendship necklaces. He would give up anything to hear them laugh again.

Taemin’s laugh, he missed it, he missed the soft embraces he would get from him, and the small jokes he would throw around. Taemin was the bright one out of them all. He missed him.

Donghun’s voice was melodic, he was an amazing singer, him and Junhee were. Seongwa said they should’ve auditioned for a music agency, but they never did. Which left him shocked, and gently hit them both.

Jaehyun’s words were comforting and soft. He always knew what to say, what to do, and when to do it. Seonghwa admired him, he always did, just as he did the others. He missed his comforting tone, he missed Jaehyun.

Yuchan was similar to Taemin in a way, the both flocked together and would tease everyone around them. They were always by each other's sides, no one ever saw them apart, they always followed each other around. True friends.

Junhee.

_Junhee._

What _wasn’t_ perfect about Junhee?

Junhee was an amazing dancer, and singer. He could make anyone smile around him, he could cure anyone’s sadness with his melodic laugh. His eyes were also so stunning, and his smile could compete with the sun’s rays. He was beautiful, inside and out, everyone loved him, there wasn’t anything flawed about him, and no one had a reason to dislike him.

Junhee was perfect, and Seonghwa missed him, _everyone_ missed him.

That’s why after his death, everyone became so quiet, sticking to their endless solitude. Everyone was on edge. Even Taemin, and even Yuchan. Not everyone is invincible to negative emotions, even the brightest people can feel upset or sad.

Donghun and Seonghwa took it the hardest.

Donghun would become more angry, and snippy than usual. He would yell at Taemin whenever he was just goofing off, or trying to cheer him up. He started to take his anger out on Taemin, throwing insults at him, criticizing everything he did. It got to the point where he would poke at his weight, going for a low blow. 

Taemin would just offer a smile, and shrug it off. This made Seonghwa angry, but he kept his mouth shut, just in case he would become Donghun’s next target. He was a coward then. And he regretted it.

Seonghwa finally decided to step in when he had seen Donghun take it a step farther than just words. It all happened so quick, and he remembers it still as it was yesterday.

Taemin was just poking at Donghun’s patience, with a big smile on his face, talking about his dancing, and teasing Donghun about how ‘stupid’ he is for not auditioning.

Singing was a tough subject, so everyone including Jaehyun, and even Yuchan froze up.

Seonghwa remembers how _visible_ Donghun was shaking, and how he was so slow to pull Taemin back when Taemin tried to hug him.

“Donghun, calm down, deep breaths, he didn’t mean it.” He remembered Jaehyun saying, taking a step closer.

Donghun didn’t listen, he didn’t calm down.

Instead, he turned around and punched Taemin in the jaw so hard that Taemin ended up stumbling into a wall, and falling, hitting his head against the sink.

Everyone was in shock, and the only sound that filed the room was Taemin’s uneven breathing, and quiet sobs. Jaehyun knelt down and held Taemin in his arms, inspecting to see if the back of his head was bleeding, and to see if his lip was bleeding.

His head slightly bled, Seonghwa remembered, he had seen the blood on the sink, it wasn’t much, but he remembered it was there.

Yuchan was holding Donghun back from inflicting any more damage onto Taemin, or anyone else.

Finally, Seonghwa sucked in a deep breath, and looked into Donghun’s eyes, and glared.

“You’ve been taking this too far, you need to _stop_. Just because Junhee is dead, doesn’t mean Taemin, or any of us are your punching bags.” He had pure venom in his voice, as he clenched his fists.

“Hwa..” Yuchan mumbled, his eyes begging him to not push it any farther than he did already, and Seonghwa didn’t, he just said his piece, and left it at that.

“You know Seonghwa? This is none of your fucking business, you don’y understand. You didn’t lose your one and only. You weren’t close to him, like I was. You didn’t know his deepest darkest secrets, you weren’t planning to become an Idol with him, your life didn’t revolve around him! You didn’t love Junhee like I did!” Donghun spat at himself, he remembered those words as clear as they came, and they hurt him.

_You didn’t love Junhee like I did!_

Maybe he didn’t love Junhee in that way, but he _loved_ Donghun, just like Donghun loved Junhee.

“You’re right, I didn’t, but I was his best friend. I’m also a decent human being, and Junhee appreciates that I’m not stepping on defenseless people, because I’m mourning.” Seonghwa shot back at him, calm as always.

“Don’t- Junhee- Quit bringing him into _our_ affairs!” Donghun yelled, clenching his fists, as tears gathered at the corners of his eyes.

“Does the truth hurt?” Seonghwa asked, walking closer, their noses an inch apart from each other.

“Seonghwa, stop. Let it go!” Yuchan edged in, his voice shaking, as he grabbed Donghun’s arm to prevent him from breaking his nose.

“Stop! Get out, Seonghwa! You fucking parasite!” Donghun yelled, visibly shaking once again, as tears left his eyes. He pushed Yuchan and him away, and ran out of the bathroom, while Jaehyun held Taemin closely to himself.

“Thank you, Seonghwa, he really went beyond the boundaries this time.” Seonghwa remembered nodding after Jaehyun said this, before looking at Taemin’s trembling form.

“Will he be okay?” Seonghwa remembered his voice very small and tiny afterwards. He hated how weak he sounded.

“Yeah, I’ll take him home, we’ll skip the rest of the day, and I’ll bring him back to my house.” Jaehyun’s voice was so soft, he is so thankful he is on his side.

He watched as Jaehyun helped Taemin stand up again, pressing a small kiss to the crown of his head, as they walked out slowly, leaving Seonghwa just to stare back then.

Seonghwa’s social life disintegrated that day.

He remembered Donghun and Yuchan avoiding Jaehyun, Taemin, and him as if they were diseases, parasites just as they called them behind their backs. The group was split up, and only three remained, but that all ended soon too.

Seonghwa was always the third wheel. He was the one who would sit around, while Taemin and Jaehyun would give each other small pecks on the cheek, or would compliment each other. He knew they didn’t mean too, they tried their best to keep it in closed doors.

Seonghwa would just wave their apologies off, and tell them that he didn’t care, which was true.

He got lonely eventually, and started to smoke weed in the bathrooms, Taemin and Jaehyun didn’t mind back then, but when it escalated they tried to help, but Seonghwa didn’t want it.

He pushed them away, wanting to inject needles into his arm, and snort the white powder up his nose, he felt so lonely, he needed something, somebody to keep him company.

After a while, Taemin and Jaehyun separated themselves from him, they gave up, Seonghwa was angry. He remembered smashing his phone against the walls of his room, and banging his head against the bathroom mirror shattering the glass.

He kicked the books in the corner of the floor, and they scattered across the wood. It wahis favorite book collection, but he felt too hurt to care, too angry so he left them, clenching his fists, and letting out an unbearable cry. 

He remembered punching the wall over and over again until his knuckles bled. He remembers sobbing, and his parents pounding on the door, begging for him to open up.

Seonghwa did, and they just saw the mess, and were in shock, his mother shouted at him, told him that he was improper, and was acting childish. His father yelled at his mother, and they had another blowout because of that.

Seonghwa remembered a few days after that he had a talk with both parents about how he can always talk to them, and they would always be there for him, later to overhear about the divorce when they were quietly talking in the living room.

Days later Seonghwa started to sleep with various different men, in fact he would go to parties to get laid, being degraded each time.

He eventually lost every single friend, and people would whisper about him throughout the whole high school, and not even Jaehyun or Taemin could spare him a glance.

He was a broken whore, that is what they called him. They would utter every insult, and stick notes in his locker.

Seonghwa remembers when Junhee was around. 

Seonghwa was always happy when Junhee was around, Junhee seemed to be the person who was pulling them all together. Which he was, and he would always be. Seonghwa can’t help but admit that Junhee was keeping him from turning into whatever he was now, whatever monster he turned into.

He wished he would have switched places with him, or he wished he would’ve stayed away from his car that day, and not go to the drug store to buy cough medicine. 

He wished Junhee never left, because now his life is in ruins, and all he can do is blame himself.

He wonders why Junhee was so selfish to leave early.

And he wonders when Junhee is going to come back.

.❀.𖧧.❀.

Seonghwa is tired, but he’s always tired it seems these days. His life is the same every day, and he’s tired, he’s exhausted, and he’s bored.

He wakes up, he sometimes eats, he goes to a place where he is unwanted, back home where he is unwanted, he bathes, and then he sleeps.

Sometimes he wishes if he could sleep forever, and wake up when someone bothers to ask how he’s feeling, or if he’s okay. He wants to sleep until someone bothers to rip him out from his trance, and cares for him, and loves him.

It doesn’t have to be an intimate kind of love, he would just enjoy a friend, someone to comfort him, and hug him sometimes.

Seonghwa knows he is not ready for a relationship. His mind is too cloudy, and he feels too numb to feel anything.

Numb. That’s how he feels. He feels numb to the world around him. He can’t tell what is going around himself anymore, if something good, or bad is happening. He doesn’t know, and he doesn’t want to know. He doesn’t want to open himself up to the world, just to be hurt once again.

The pain is unbearable. He doesn’t think he’ll last if he goes through it once again.

Seonghwa walks to his locker, his hair swept to the side, still a little wet from the shower he got in the morning. His fingers graze over the cold metal for a few seconds, before he lets out a deep sigh.

He tells himself mentally that he’s okay, he can get through this.

He opens his locker slowly, and sees a small note. He can’t tell if it’s negative or not, so he picks it up and reads it.

_‘Hey! It’s San! Remember me? Sorry about yesterday, I kinda pushed ya, didn’t I? I was wondering if you could sit with me and my friends at lunch, and we could talk! I don’t think you’re as bad as they say, plus, it would be good to get you some friends and to talk! Think about it. If you want to, meet me in front of the cafeteria! -San :)’_

Seonghwa doesn’t know what to feel exactly, but he feels a little hurt.

He doesn’t want to feel like a liability to them, nor does he want them to walk on eggshells when they are around him. He wants to feel normal, but that might be too much to ask for.

Seonghwa gets his history book from his locker, and once again it feels so heavy within his arms. He tries his best to smile, before he walks off to his history class.

He walks in a little late, but his teacher doesn’t utter a word to him. He guesses that they do not care, which he is so grateful for.

He waits around for about fifteen minutes, sitting there, completely dazed, and ignoring the world’s surroundings. Everything comes off as muffled. Everything is comprehensively tuned out. He can’t understand the lectures going on, he can’t even see properly.

His sight is blurred, dimmed, and muddy. All he can see is the slight forms of the people and objects around him. He can see a few desks, a chalkboard, a whiteboard, and a few humane forms around him. He suddenly feels oddly sick, and his head is spinning, and twisting like no tomorrow.

Taste? He can taste metal, and spit. Was the metal the back of his pen he was chewing? Could it be the blood from his lip that he was digging his teeth into? He feels a thick fluid in his mouth that tastes like iron, so he can tell it’s the blood coming from his bruised lip.

Seonghwa’s eyes dart around the room, but everything is a sparkly white. 

He is confused.

He wants to see, he should be able to use his eyes, but he guesses he is just unable to. He stumbles to get up, and slowly walks out of the room, he gets no questions, and they get no answers.

Though, there is only one place that Seonghwa could find comforting, and that is the bathroom.

One of the places where he gets high, and gets a few hickeys that compliment his beautifully toned skin.

He feels absolutely disgusting at times like these, but he can’t help it. He needs some kind of support, and the only support he is going to find is the support from getting high and getting laid.

Seonghwa is walking down the hall when his eyes stumble across a beautiful man who's just sparkle, and that is a bluish-brown that looked like gems that would cost his life-savings. For once, he is intrigued, and he wants to get to know him better.

He is given a small smile, before the man walks into a different classroom as his original one, while Seonghwa sits there starstruck, with a smile on his lips.

He looked so peaceful, and so pretty. All Seonghwa wanted to do was to be under him, and sleep with him.

He’ll have to flirt with him, and pop the question off his tongue as if it was a marriage proposal.

Seonghwa can’t help but feel a little embarrassed thinking of asking him. It’s all the same, but asking some for sex is always something that wouldn’t put anyone in their proudest moment.

‘Just stick your tongue out, Seonghwa.’ He tells himself. ‘Be the whore that you are.’

He may be a slut, but Seonghwa is a stunning one, he guesses that he’ll have him in a week at most. Everyone is like that, they play hard to get, but then they’re on top of him, taking him however he wants them too.

Seonghwa feels dirty, he wants to claw at his skin but he says nothing.

What can he say? He made his bed, so now he must lie in it.

Seonghwa walks into the bathroom, and he sees his number one man, Daniel, also known as ‘Danny.’

“Seonghwa!” He calls, voice filled with amusement, as he licked his lips at the sight of him.

“Hey,” His voice has barely any volume, and has little to no life that rests inside; In other words he looks sad, depressing even.

“Come, baby! We can smoke a blunt together! Fuck- You smell absolutely _delicious_ , darling. You even look _ravishing_.” As he flirts, Seonghwa just sighs, going to sit on his lap, straddling him, as he took the other’s blunt between his lips.

He’s not ready for when he feels his hands slide his shirt up, and feel him place a small kiss to his stomach, the man even nibbles at the skin, tongue sliding over the skin.

Seonghwa is sick to say that he is turned on, and enjoys the twisted feeling.

He smokes the blunt in his hands, while he lets out muffled gasps at the small kisses that are being placed onto his body. He feels wanted, and he feels as if his head is in the clouds.

Daniel moves his face away from his stomach, and attacks his neck, tongue lapping over the skin, adding additional art to his body.

When he nibbles, Seonghwa goes crazy, he holds the blunt between his fingers, as he lets out a small gasp.

“Danny!”

That’s when a hand clamped over his lips to shut him up.

“Quiet, Hwa, you can scream at my house tonight, you still coming over? My parents are out.” His voice is low, and lips are next to his ear, as he chews on the skin next to his earrings, and licks his earlobe.

“Mn.” His voice is muffled, but it’s an obvious yes.

“Aish, we need to get back before they send someone in baby, I’ll see you later.” 

Seonghwa enjoys the small kiss to the forehead, looking down at his shoes, as he slowly steps off of him.

He watches as he walks out, and leaves him alone to smoke, and sit there conflicted.

Baby.

He called him baby, but yet they’re not even dating.

Daniel is sweet, he wonders if someone will ever love him.

He wishes Daniel could, but he knows he has other problems than himself to worry about. He knows he is one big problem, and he doesn’t want to be the cause of someone’s anxiety, or someone’s suicidal thoughts possibly.

He just yearns for some love, but he’ll wait, and wait until someone gives it to him. Even if he knows he doesn’t deserve it, Seonghwa is selfish, and he always will be selfish.

He slowly brings himself to walk, and lets a sigh leave his lips, as he covers up his neck and collarbone, as much as he cold, and fixes his shirt, to tuck it in once again. Uniforms suck, he hates school.

As he walked down to his next class, which was biology, he sat next to some kid who was big in size, but had a goofy smile, and waved to him.

“Hey! We’re project mates! I saw your stuff in your last class, we were in that same class too! So I bought it here! San said you were a friend, so we’re working on a project together! I’m Song Mingi! You’re Hwa right?” He seems so innocent, and that makes Seonghwa’s heart melt. He used to be like that at one time.

“Yeah, I’m Seonghwa.” His voice is low, and dull as always. Barely being able to hear himself, let alone Mingi, but the man seemed to have heard.

  
  


“Well, hey friend! Guess were buddies now, huh?”

Seonghwa can barely say anything, but he does know that he feels sick, and doesn’t want to speak at the moment so he just nods.

“So, biology project- I uh- Suck at biology? So if you could..” He trails off, but Seonghwa knew what he was about to say.

“I can tutor you, I’m not busy. Is tomorrow after school okay? I’m free anytime.” He murmurs, and Mingi just smiles with his usual toothy grin.

“Definitely! We can pick what we are going to do tomorrow too!”

Seonhwa is now confused once again.

“Aren’t we picking it now..?”

“We can?”

“Then let’s pick it then.”

Seonghwa doesn’t mean to sound demanding, he’s just exhausted and wants to cry.

“Is social work okay?”

Seonghwa clicks his tongue and nods, and Mingi smiles.

“Awesome! Hey, see you at lunch by the way! I can’t wait until the other guys meet you!” Mingi’s enthusiasm is something Seonghwa envied him for. He wanted to be happy like him. He wanted to smile like him. Seonghwa wanted to look okay.

“Yeah..” Seonghwa mumbles, marking into his tiny baby blue planner that he bought over the summer, and marking his project. He can’t help but clench his pen, and sigh to himself.

His parents.

Marked on Wednesday after school is their family bonding, Seonghwa scratches that off, with a small frown.

They always forget and fight anyways, so tomorrow wouldn’t be any more different.  
  
Seonghwa is startled when the bell rings, signalling lunch, slowly gathering his things, and small bag, and walks down the hall, seeing San at his locker.

“Hwa! Hey!” San waves, Seonghwa sighs, and opens his locker, leaving San pout.

“You aren’t going to acknowledge me? That’s cruel Hwa!” San whines, while Seonghwa takes out his bottle of soda in his cooler, and nods his head at him.

“Thought you were waiting by the entrance.” Seonghwa says with a small hum, walking besides San.

“I was! Until.. I wanted to meet you here?” San questions, but Seonghwa just nods, walking to the lunchroom, following San who moved in front of him to lead him to his table. “Ah, there they are! You can sit next to me!”

Seonghwa just nods, and sits down next to the small group of eight, next to San, looking down at the table.

Eyes are on him, and Seonghwa hates him.

“I’m sorry.”

Everyone is confused by Seonghwa’s apology, blinking before a man with blonde hair shook his head.

“There is nothing to be sorry for.” Yunho points out, but Seonghwa shakes his head.

“I’m bothering you, sorry.”

San gives them all a look, and they drop the whole subject and San speaks up. “Shall we introduce ourselves? He knows Mingi, and I.”

Seonghwa was going to open his mouth, but then closed his mouth when a small petite male spoke up. “I’m Wooyoung,” He bows as best as he could sitting down, before winking at San. “And I’m dating San. He is a dork when you get to meet him.”

“Woo!”

“Yes?”

“I-”

“What I thought.”

“Sorry, they bicker a lot. I’m Yeosang by the way.” The guy seems quiet, but Seonghwa doesn’t mind, he is also quiet.

“Hey!” Wooyoung crossed his arms, and furrowed his eyebrows. Seonghwa found him cute.

“Love you too.” Yeosang hums, while another man speaks up.

“I’m Yunho, nice to see another person has joined our table.” He offers a smile, while Seonghwa just nods, he doesn’t want to talk and seem rude.

“The name is Jongho! The youngest, and the best.” Jongho seemed to have a lot of ambition, Seonghwa liked that, he wished to have ambition.

The last guy was the man with dazzling eyes, Seonghwa looks at him but he seems to just glare, he doesn’t blame him, he would glare too. It kind of hurt since he wanted to sleep with him.

“Hongjoong, only friends call me ‘Joong.’” He seems to spat almost, and Seonghwa can’t help but feel unwanted, he just nods, and looks down.

“Joong, be nice.” San whispered, but obviously everyone heard.

  
“I am, _San_.”

“No-”

“It’s fine.” Seonghwa tries his best to smile but it’s honestly fake, he’s a fake person, ah, what a coincidence.

Seonghwa wants to take a swan dive off a cliff, or off the rooftop, but he keeps his mouth shut, he is obviously disliked.

“Anyways, hey, why aren’t you eating, Hwa?” Wooyoung asks, concern lacing his tone, and Seonghwa could see him grip his hand from under the table.

“Not hungry.” Seonghwa says, looking down at the soda in his hands, and clutching onto the bottle in his hands.

“Sure.” Hongjoong mumbles, but is elbowed by Mingi. Seonghwa wants to cry, his eyes water slightly, glassy as always.

“You should eat more, skipping meals isn’t healthy.” San interjects, offering a small, concerned smile.

“It’s okay- Hey, I got to go, it was meeting you all.” Seonghwa gets up, and throws his untouched soda away, and walks out ignoring the concerned stares, and beelines for the bathroom in the hallway, finally entering and dropping to his knees.

He was tired.

He was exhausted.

He needed rest.

Seonghwa skipped the rest of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah! There you are! Hey! I hope you have an amazing day, and you stay healthy! Your health comes first! Remember that, angel!
> 
> I know you all wanted some Hongjoong and Seonghwa fluff but i got angry and wrote this MESS -- bear with me! there will be fluff in future chapters!


	3. a/n !!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a little note from me !

hello friends !! i never believed i would get to seventy-two kudos on a vent fic omg... this gave me motivation to continue this !! i may have been inactive dahlings, but i'm going to update this !! i'll drop off with two chapters by october 31. happy early halloween! <3 be prepared for your next two chapters !!


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